I may not have had a smooth raising or have a typical life..
I may be full of flaws and imperfections- scars from growing up
too early in an environment of little to no supervision, guidance, or
example. A place of despair, rejection, abandonment, and having a picture
seared into my memory of how little I was worth to people who were created to
love me unconditionally and forever. We all have our baggage, we all have
our story.. and mine has pushed me to become who I am today and defined
how fiercly and passionately I pursue the Lord. I am smart but I can't
explain it, I am faithful and I can't comprehend it, I am older but I can't out
grow it, I travel the world but I can't escape it, I am strong but I can't
overcome it... WITHOUT the mighty miracles of my Deliverer. I do not tell you
this for pity or for self righteousness, I tell you this because the
same God that loves me through my brokeness and fault and fights for
me is the same God that longs to be the personal Lover of your soul.
And I tell you this because I have been there. Yes there, in the rock bottom
hole of desperation where you think there is no hope. Let me tell you friends,
there is Hope. So just like I held on for dear life to every truth He
promised me in the pit of despair, I will hold tighter still. My walk is a
daily choice and things are not always good.. But my God is. I continue to
battle the enemy but I know who holds the key to victory.
Every aspect of my life has been used to break my hard
headed and hard hearted self to the point of physical, mental, emotional, and
spiritual exhaustion so that I would learn to rest my broken heart in the hands
of the One who ever so carefully created it and soley rely on the One who will
never disappoint, reject, hurt, or forsake us. Sometimes I wonder if God
didn't let me walk through the fire would I know He was my protector? If He
didn't allow me to stumble through the valley would I know that He can
carry me up the mountain? If He didn't place me in circumstaces where the
absolute only constant was His commitment to love me would I understand
His promises and how real they are? I don't have the answer to these questions
but I do know that The Lord created in me a strong willed stubborn soul with a
fire and fight that even a mother has trouble handling. So, although that will
of steel and fiesty soul of mine have been my saving grace in situations I
didn't ask to be in, it most likely and sadly would have prohibited
me from learning the characteristics of my Almighty Father without being put
in the middle of my own worst nightmare and having no where else to turn
but to the One who is Able. As much as the pain from old wounds still
haunts me and fresh ones are made more often than I feel necessary, I am
thankful to be constantly reminded I am not in control and how I could never
survive without my Redeemer. I am grateful to The Lord for
revealing Himself to me in new ways every time I need it. I am in awe of
His patience and how much He tells me I am worth. I have learned and grown
leaps and bounds in my 24 years of life and know that journey continues until
we reach our Heavenly destination but I will continue to keep my eye on a
higher purpose and live loud for His name.
I am blessed beyond anything a wretch like me deserves. The
Lord has provided me with a family who love and adore me even though I am not
their own, circumstances that show me without a shadow of a doubt that there is
a God who loves me unconditionally and is ALWAYS sufficient for any and every
need I have, and grace beyond measure for the times my lack of feeling adequate
enough takes me to the middle of decisons I should never be in. I stand amazed
by the protection of His hand over me since birth. The unchanging Savior that
held His healing hands around that tiny premature miracle is the same
sovereign King who cares for every hair on my head and desire in my heart.
Through all the chaos, dysfuction, and messiness I have endured- Jesus Christ
has been the only constant, the only Truth. My rock, my motivator. I realize
that I could have easily turned the other direction and been on a completely
different path in the blink of an eye but the fight instilled in me and the
grace of the good Lord above would not allow the easy way out. So yes, I have
been there.. And I am still there sometimes.. in the pit that is. But
circumstances should not define my relationship with my Almighty Father,
instead my realationship with Him should define my reaction to circumstances
and I am learning how to live that.
So, here I am.. assuring myself daily of the worth I
have in God's truth, battling the enemy with the sword- the Word of God.
Despite the silent whispers in the actions of those close unintentionally
planting lies in my ear of how little I matter and how little I deserve. I find
my worth in the Father who carefully placed every freckle on my face. Some
people have asked me after all that I have been through how in the world am I
so grounded in my faith. My response is 'How can I NOT be?' After His sacrifice
how can I not let Him use everything He made me to be to the fullness for His
glory? After His faithfulness and protection how can I not be fully
devoted to His plan for my life? How can I settle for anything less
than what The Lord tells me I deserve no matter what my feelings say when
He wants so much to shower me with blessings? After He has shown me His love
has no limit how can I not with wreckless abandon tell everyone I meet how much
He loves them? I really can not fathom any circumstance leading anywhere else
but to the foot of the throne of the Author of life. Whether well fed or
hungry, whether in plenty or in want, whether spoiled with every
unnecessary gadget we can imagine before we even have a chance
to desire it or being so deprived of lifes necessities that you can see
deaths door- all of these are made to point you to the need your soul has
for a relationship with our Maker. That opportunity to grow in Him in the
middle of trials or in the middle of joy is not an option- it is THE option.
The straight and narrow sometimes gets just that- straight and narrow, with not
a lot of traffic it seems.. and I am human so yes I get lonely.. But I am
reminded of an old hymn that says "though none go with me I still will
follow" and I know that complete surrender to my Savior is the only way I
can live my life. When I'm lonely- I confide in Him, for He cares for me. When
I'm sad, disappointed, or hurt- I cry out to Him, He holds me close and assures
me of His promises. When I'm confused, lost, or scared- He takes my hand
and leads me. When I mess up- He covers me with grace. I can not explain enough
how ALL sufficient he is for any and every need and how no one can fill His
place in your life.
Well, after pouring a piece of my heart out there I have to
admit the transition home has been rough. It is hard to live with this
perspective being surrounded by people without it. I received a priceless
message from a ship friend that put the feelings in my heart into words without
even knowing it because she was describing her struggle to fit in back home as
well. Pieces of her message and pieces of my heart: Everything here felt so
empty and pointless because they just seemed so insignificant compared to
Africa. I couldn't really care if the other day somebody offended you in the
pew next to you. (at least they had a pew to sit in) It all just felt
ridiculous that this seems to be what ministry is about here. When over there
it's life and death. Devastated people everywhere. I felt Him everywhere in
Africa. But I just wasn't feeling Him here. BUT..I KNEW He was/is still here
even if I couldn't feel Him. So I cried out to Him every night as I wept.
I begged Him to not leave me here alone. To show me my purpose. To hold onto me
TIGHT. He taught me that LOVE CONDESCENDS. What people here feel is SUPER important
to them, so because these are the issues THEY face, I WILL care about them.
Even though they may not be life or death, or hault-the-universe-important...
They will be important to me. Because my broken heart, in it's pitiful state-
is not life or death to the universe either. God knows that, yet He bottles
every tear. His heart breaks with mine. WHY? It's not VITAL? It's just a silly
girl with a broken heart! Because the God of the universe has chosen to
CONDESCEND HIS LOVE. To me. Don't try to find it in yourself to care about the
issues people at home care about... Find it in Him. Those honest words
pierced my soul, it truly was like she saw into my heart and put it on a page.
He IS here in Texas and he IS in Africa and the people all over the world- whether
in plenty or in want NEED Him. They need Him just like I do to take the next
breath some days and on others to give an extra portion of grace to a
neighbor. It might be more of a struggle for me to live here in
excess than it is for me to live with the basic needs for life, but the same
God who moved mountains on the coast of a land far away in the same God who is
standing beside me here and sees my every need. So the saying stands- When
you can't see His hand, trust His heart.
As I enter my 25th year of life, my prayer is that I
would experience my God in ways I never have. That I would be whole
heartedly obedient and allow Him to use me in ways beyond my comprehension.
That I would grow in my faith more that ever. That I would seek opportunity to
invest in causes I'm passionate about and love on people that need it. And
that I would never forget I'm a daughter to the Heavenly Father a Princess
to the King of kings.
Lots of love and blessings-
MAC
"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and
daughters says the Lord Almighty." 2 Cor. 2:18
