Driving home from work after being stood up for dinner I felt myself sliding into a pit of pity. Not a huge one, just a baby one.. but baby ones are like quick sand and before you know it you've sank to what surely must be deaths door- so I avoid them at all costs! I assure you this was not a pit soley from one silly dinner plan that had fallen through. No friend, this goes back a long way -->
The main concept that confuses my entire being that sometimes I just can not find the strength to shake is: I will never understand how a parent can abandon a child. Period. I am surrounded with evidence of how a parents love surpasses all things yet it holds true that mine are not only unconcerned about my safety and well being but fail to care about any aspect of my life, much less rejoice in my victories or have pride in my endeavors. That is something that rocks the inner most part of your being. Something that is part of you, forever. I truly believe a lot of my issues come from my parents and the dysfuction associated with them. And its most times a daily struggle to not focus on that. Satan likes to keep that never too far from my line of vision. Two professional counselors tried to fix me- One just told me how right I was and the other didnt call me back.. dont call back the girl with abandoment and rejection issues. Way. To. Go. But that is my life. That is the hand I was dealt, the specific place The Lord picked for me so I have to own it. Let me tell you, a girl with daddy issues is a very delicate thing. Girls, boyfriends will come and go- you will live I promise, hold onto and appreciate your daddies. And then theres the Mama issues.. whew. Rejection will take you to places you never thought you'd go. Too young to realize it I craved attention and affection. Being surrounded daily by what family is supposed to look like, I longed for what parents are created to give their children. And still, thats a pit I have to look out for. Because I believe in every phase of life a girl needs her mama and daddy. That is a false reality for me that I just have to let go. I should have a sign "HANDLE WITH EXTREME CAUTION."
I always judged how I am coping with things with my outward self. If I have a day when I get up, go to work, go for a run, spend time with the Lord- I would say that I am doing well. Days when I cry uncontrollably or can't find a smile- I would say I'm not coping very well. Truth is, on the inside, the rejection never goes away. On my so called good or bad days. I don't know how to fix that. I only know how to choose to DO what is right not how to choose to FEEL what is good. And honestly some days I don't want to choose to be a productive hard working servant, I can only muster the strength to make it through the day. Other days I fight my flesh to choose what is good over its hunger for that attention and affection it never received.
So with much wisdom from Mama Dena and a whole lot of prayer I have at least figured out how to process feelings productively to function in everyday society pretty well on most days. I try not to let it make me hard hearted but that is a defense mechanism that sometimes gets the best of me. And although it is safe and protective I dont want to "miss out" I want to live BIG. I dont want to pull the victim card, I want to be an overcomer. I want to go beyond a follower of Jesus and be an active world changer. Well that day driving home from work, I didn't want to choose joy I just wanted to have a big ole pity party. With that being said the story of that day continues-->
Feeling lonely, sorry for myself, overwhelmed with no place I fit in life or with people, longing for just one person to be mine.. whatever the reasons it was a pit, a place that is much too familiar to me. I am not proud of familiarity with the joy stealing, energy draining, lie whispering, terror of a place but being a veteran and victor of it, I am much more prepared to be on the lookout for hazards that may make me fall in and am equipped with the tools necessary to climb out if one swallows me up. So, as I drove home that day slipping inch by inch I found a foot hole that was carved last time I was there. I prayed loud and honestly- spilling out every thought and feeling- even the ones I was ashamed to think or feel. Now I know my pitiful heart isn't a life or death matter but the Lord cares for it as if it is.
I spoke aloud telling the Maker of my soul of my anger, bitterness, and frustration. How old wounds hurt and how life isn't fair. How I can't understand anything anymore and the purpose we place on life here seems eternally pointless! I told the Keeper of my heart how I felt worthless. Yes worthless, a battle I fight most days but that day it was winning. I want to be noticed, wanted, and pursued. I cried out to my Father to fix the mess I was and love on me. I want to feel BEAUTIFUL. I want to be LOVED. I want to MATTER. I want to be IMPORTANT. I want to make a DIFFERENCE. I want to be NEEDED. I want to be USEFUL and have PURPOSE. I am sick of feeling like an option and inconvenince. I want to be someones PRIORITY! I am tired of being INVISIBLE! I want to be able to be weak and vulnerable with someone to hold me up.. someone who won't forsake me. I want someone to be able to love me and I want to be able to let them. I want my Savior to come take me away from this world that has nothing to offer but pain and suffering and heartache.
After exhaling my rant/plea/surrender to God I turned on the radio and not wanting to listen to KLOVE- out of rebellion I suppose- I turned it to a country station. And wouldn't you know it the song "invisible" was on. Lyrics---> "And you're not invisible, hear me out there's so much more to life than what you're feeling now.. Someday you'll look back on all these days and all this pain is gonna be invisible." It still baffles me why I get shocked when The Lord speaks to me so clearly when I ask Him to reveal Himself to me. Never would I have thought He would use Hunter Hayes to get a point across to me but hey it worked! I wish I could say that all of my insecurity, lonliness, confusion, and heartache went away at that very moment. It didn't.. I still longed for Him to come scoop me up and take me away. I still desired a God sent tangible person to be only mine. But, I did understand in that moment how through all of those feelings God has not forsaken me and how much I mean to Him. He is near to the brokenhearted and comforts those whose spirits are crushed. So I laughed a little, smiled some, all while I continued to cry. I was so evidently comforted by my caring gracious Father. And I thanked Him.
He told me so many truths through those lyrics and His presence. I didn't feel His tone was disappoinment, angry, or upset that I would have the audacity to question the worth of His masterpiece.. instead I felt He was delighted I came to Him in honest abandon without holding back or hiding and put them where they belong- at the foot of He who is able. Able to mend broken pieces and make something beautiful. And I felt He was burdended for me that I was too weak to fight the enemy. So as any good father would, and since He is the BEST, He told me how He loves me more than I can imagine. He encouraged me to have endurance, this life He placed me in and its pain is temporary and one day I will be with Him. There is purpose. He reminded me I don't have to feel worth anything to be worth something because He created my worth and I am far more precious than rubies. Our hearts are decietful and ever changing but His truth is constant, that is what we should base our beliefs on. He showed me how he provided "PLAN B" complete with parents and two boys who love me dearly. He told me it doesn't matter how important, needed, useful, noticed, pursured, or wanted I feel on earth I am treasured and chosen to Him. Circumstances do not define me. He thinks I am beautiful. I am His priority. And that should always be sufficient for me. Then He whispered.. You, dear child, can be vulnerable with me. You can be weak with me. For when you are weak, I am strong. Take heart I have overcome the world.
Then this scripture came to mind "We were under great pressure- far beyond the ability to endure- so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." 2 Cor. 1:8-9. We reach our breaking points to remind us we need Him. To make us rely on Him for our physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I apparently need the reminder quite often, you'd think I would remember..
I have a huge heart for orphaned children. I can relate so much to the way they are feeling, the path they have walked.. And I completely understand when they turn out the way they do. You know those times people gasp and say "oh my, I can't believe they would do that"- I can. I get it. There is so much opportunity for them to choose the road well traveled from the example set by the ones who abandoned them. With no guidance, encouragement, or support (like any good parent would) the fight to come out of that situation and be able to function in daily life and make something out of themselves is a struggle. I am not saying it isn't possible but I am saying that child will have a lifetime of emotional, spiritual, and physical hurdles to jump over in order to succeed. They will have earned every step along the way and built character like no other. It will be a daily choice to not let their circumstances define them. Some days that battle is just too much and one day, one bad decision, is all it takes to ruin the rest of their life. I get it. So when children from broken families become the statistic of teen parents or join the homeless population, with every fiber of my being I understand how difficult it is to overcome that pattern and leave a different legacy.
I think girls can compare their earthly dad to their Heavenly Father. As my comparison would not be very accurate, The Lord has taught me so much over the years about his role as a father to me. He cares for my safety when I am driving in bad weather.. He rejoices with pride when I make a dream come true.. He loves me the same even on my worst days.. He provides everything I need and tells me no when its best for me.. He is what has completely saved me from myself and grown me into His servant. Without Him, I would be another number in a diagram somewhere proving children from broken homes are on a road to nowhere.
Today, I'm thankful in my spirit and peaceful in my heart with the knowledge my God is working all things together for the good of those who love Him -Romans 8:28. I leave you with this little piece of encouragement: "the reason some people have turned against you and walked away from you without reason, has nothing to do with you. It is because I have removed them from your life because they cannot go where I am taking you next. They will only hinder you in your next level because they have already served their purpose in your life. Let them go and keep moving. Greater is coming." says the Lord.
Much love and blessings,